The best decision had always been to be alone. 

To learn to build back my sense of self-respect.

To learn to have faith in myself.

To learn to stop feeling disappointed in myself.

To heal myself.

To feel confident about myself.

To learn to forgive myself.

To learn to love life.

Potentially back to writing blog posts that nobody will ever read.

Here I am blogging in class because this class is so boring :( 

I feel like I've taken some steps backwards in the things that I've worked for. I need to re-focus myself and get back on track. I haven't been able to have a long mediation session in awhile. I've been too tired so my session have only been like 5-10 minutes long. I think tonight I'm going to have to try a longer session. 

This was supposed to be a fun weekend. Meeting with him last weekend was a mistake. It makes him not want to want to see me this weekend. He just wants to work on his own personal projects, and he said he wants more personal time. I'm so upset because this all sounds like the same exact excuse over and over again. It's totally possible to spend this time together, but he refuses to do so. I mean, my friend's bf from san francisco flew in just for this weekend. I'm not even looking for a grand gesture. All he had to do was show up because I had some plans already. 

Maybe this is just me whining about something really trivial, but I was really looking forward to tomorrow. I'm disappointed in him for not following through again. I'm disappointed in myself for thinking that he would follow through when looking back he does this all the time. I am really close to feeling like ending this because I deserve so much more. I deserve to be able to take a break once in awhile and have someone else spoil me a little bit. I really do.

He said we would hang out this saturday, but he ended up coming last weekend for lunar new years so he could hang out with his family. I had saturday planned out. I talked to him twice this week including today. Apparently, that was too much for him & he didn't have enough time to himself.

I wanted the guy to set a reservation to a restaurant. I want flowers and chocolates. I don't want to have to be the one always planning and always giving gifts.

This was important to me. Now I'm just here crying over a stupid day because I'm so disappointed in myself for thinking Saturday was going to happen.

I had a surprisingly good meditation session last night! This morning's just led to a nap though haha. I think one of the key things is to release expectations and don't hope for anything. Just take things as they come.

It's going to be Day 2 out of 15 of my preceptorship tomorrow. I'm taking on one patient by myself. It's nice that I get to be so independent. I do believe that I work a lot better without having someone breathe down my neck. The only thing that makes me nervous about my preceptorship is that I don't have any careplans for them. It's a lot less thinking about what's going on with the patient, and just a lot of doing. There's really no time to think about those things, which kind of sucks because it makes me quite nervous. I've been doing two patients though so hopefully it'll be smooth with one patient. 

It's always the anxiety of things that haven't really happened that really get to me. I really hope that after a long time of meditation, I can decrease this type of anxiety by focusing on the present. There's no reason to waste time and energy being anxious over something you can't control. Rationally, I understand that, but my body doesn't seem to get it. 

I tried out the 185 rep squat regimen. Holy cow. I'm not sure if I want to stick with this. It's death. I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and my legs were like jello by the end. I'll try it for maybe two weeks, and we'll see how I feel about it. I had to drop my weights SEVERELY...like I went from squatting 110 --> 70. My pride!! Haha. This might not give me the gains for a booty, but I think it'll still help overall. Squats are so good for not just legs and butt. I attribute my fat loss in the abdomen area to squatting. I barely did ab exercises the last six months, and I lost a good amount just from squatting. Full body seems to work out better for me. I just need extra time since I'm doing one exercise per muscle group. 

Steps backward

I'm here at a cafe with a friend studying, and I decided to take a little break and blog. I believe it's been a few days since I've blogged...or at least that's what it feels like. 

Meditation: My sessions haven't been going very well. They were going really well until Friday and Saturday. I think when I lost my cool with my friend and got angry I lost confidence in it. Saturday I barely got a chance to meditate because of clinical. I'm still meditating everyday, but it might just as well be sleeping :( 

Reading: I need to read more. I've been sleeping and watching TV too much on my free time again. Got to get back.

Gym: The exhaustion from clinical is leaking into the next day. I can't believe it takes me a full day to recover & it's preventing me from goign to the gym as regularly as I would like. How am I going to get anything done in the future? I need to make it a rule to go to the gym at least 4 times per week. I think that's fair. Last week I went twice, but I could've gone 6/7 days if I really tried. I think I'll make it a habit on days where my morning are free to go in the morning. Then eat a good breakfast, and then meditate. I'll start tomorrow. I'm thinking about changing my routine to full body instead of doing upper & lower. This way, I can work out three times a week and not feel so bad. 

I feel like I'm missing X a lot more, and I keep thinking about him. Something that's gotten quite bad today. I really need to focus on growing more. I think my focus shifted a bit. 

I need to change my schedule so that I'll sleep earlier and wake up earlier. This will make my clinical easier. I also need to work on not taking naps. It's really disrupting my schedule. 

It feels like I took a couple steps backwards, but I just need to refocus and reorient myself. I'll just think of it as a reset. 

Pure rage

Some people need to grow the fuck up. It takes a lot to get me to this level of angry, and she did it. She didn't disappoint to create drama once again while she's here. Seriously? Someone makes a joke, she goes flying off the handle, and basically throws a tantrum. I end up doing nothing but wait for an hour in the evening when I had initially wanted to stay in because I have my first clinical tomorrow. Once again, she starts acting like a teenager and starts making everything about her. Once again, my friends start coddling her & giving her pity (none of which helps her at all, just makes her feel like it's okay to keep doing this) 

And then I get asked to be understanding. If she wants me to be understanding, she'll make the effort to seek for it. But until then, no. I have been extremely understanding, and I no longer wish to coddle her. She needs to grow up and nobody is helping her. Her family and friends coddle her, and when somebody tries to give her a reality check she fucking gets childish, immature, and overreacts. 

I don't need this negativity in my life. 

The Plateau

Since the last time I've blogged, things have been alright. My meditation sessions are a lot more smooth. Less dozing off and more meditating. 20 minutes seems a lot shorter now than when I first started. Everything else is kind of meh. I'm pretty sure I'm being productive, but I feel kind of flat. It's nothing like the optimism and positivity that I was experiencing from the beginning of my break. It's not necessarily negative either. I'm just...neutral?

I've reached a plateau on all my upper body workouts, but I'm not sure if it's really a plateau or if I'm just thinking it is. I've gotten my pushup number to 10 and my diamond pushups to 6, which is a significant improvement from last week. I guess I'm just not feeling the lifting this week haha. It's okay. All that matters is that I tried, and I did it. 

If there's an important thing I learned from lifting, it's that most things are all in our minds. Lifting is almost a mindset. Sometimes you feel like you can't lift something, but you don't really know that until you try. That's why you see a lot of people with that pre-lifting ritual (?) where they kind of jump back and forth and take deep breaths. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. I always think things like, "Can I lift this? Is this too heavy? No, I can do it. It's time I move up..." before I lift. I'm sure others are going through something similar. Also, don't give up too easily, some things in life just come by slower than others. Hard work will be worth it in the end. I've been lifting for almost half a year, and I still don't look like a personal trainer!! HAHA It'll take time. My visible improvements are small, but they are there.

I'm catching myself looking at my phone and facebook a lot these past two days. I guess the good start may have been a little deceiving. X messaged me on Tuesday asking to hangout on V-day, but I'm not sure if he means to put a temporary hold on the break or just meet like friends...Messaging and texting is so vague x_x Anyways, ever since then I keep looking at my phone knowing full well that he isn't going to send me anything else. At least it's not as bad as it used to be. That same anxiety of, "Is he going to look at my message now? Is he going to text me back?" and all those other almost-obsessive thoughts aren't really there. I think now it's just a habit to check for his messages. I do find myself missing him at night though. Like I mentioned with the message-anxiety, it's nothing like how it used to be. Before, it was like an unbearable burning feeling. Now, it's more like, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in awhile. I wonder how he's doing, and if he's okay."

They may seem like no big deal, but to me these are great improvements. I only hope that I continue to move forward from now and don't ever revert back. I like where I'm heading even though I've been feeling quite "meh" lately. 

First speed bump

Today I'm really feeling that empty feeling where X was. I think a large part of it has to do with me being so unproductive. It's my first speed bump in this journey. I need to spend more time alone and with myself at times like this, but I have noticed that in the last few days I have not been allowing myself this. I have been keeping Netflix on just for the sake of noise. If not netflix, then some sort of music. But I need to be silent and alone with my thoughts to be truly with myself. I really should go on facebook less frequently. It's not healthy to be constantly talking to my friends over facebook messenger. Ultimately, I continue to spend time with others even if it is not physically. I think it's when I find myself constantly with occupying my mind so as to have this "alone time" that I start searching for X. Opening up previous fb messages, going on instagram & wondering if there's a new post, looking through old texts. I go as far as going back on my tumblr (which i rarely use now) to see what kinds of things he is writing and how he is doing.

Well, there's still time before this day ends. I'm going to go to the gym now. It's leg day! Gotta get that butt. 

Overwhelmed?

I FINALLY had my preceptorship lecture. I was worried at first, but I think I've got a lot sorted out now. It doesn't seem to bad. I'm quite grateful that I chose the advanced med/surg lecture instead of advanced critical care. Most of my friends are in the critical care lecture, and they looked miserable coming out of lecture. I'm starting my first clinical Saturday and am quite excited to see my preceptor! I'm really looking forward to working with her.

I had a talk with my mom about my sister. She's really worried about her outcome. I'm going to have a talk with her soon. I don't think it's right to tell a teen what to do. Mostly since they won't do it. I think it's best to have her identify her own problems and develop her own plan on how to develop them. Teaching her that kind of problem solving method will be more beneficial to her than telling her what to do. It'll be something she may be able to use after school. Things like how to study really aren't that important in the long run. Things like how to focus, time management, prioritization, problem solving techniques, etc seem more important to me.

Heart2heart

The last two days have been so much fun. I had a really good weekend. I'm surprised and proud of myself for being able to handle this break right now. We'll see where this goes. I still have really good feelings about these lifestyle changes. 

Yesterday, I hung out with Jacque! :) It was so much fun~ I missed her so much. I can't wait for the next hangout. Hehe. Afterwards, I got an unexpected call from my friend calling me out to help them finish their large soju. Huzzah for free alcohol.

Today was pretty slow, but ended very well. I spent the whole day in bed watching Revenge (LOL) and going in and out of sleep. I finally got out to go to the gym, except it was like 3:30 pm. I'm a little disappointed I had such an idle day. I love being productive, but I don't want to beat myself up about having been idle like I normally do. There aren't going to be many chances for me to relax before my preceptorship starts. Today wasn't a total loss though! I got back and hung out with a friend, and we had a good heart to heart. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who is able to understand what it's like to be sensitive and such.

I've got lecture from 1 pm - 6 pm tomorrow. UGH. I hate these long lecture days they schedule us for. I think I'm going to have my first day with my preceptor on Tuesday. I am not prepared. I'm a little nervous too. It's been a year since I've done med/surg, but I'm sure it'll be okay. I don't want to worry about things in the future that I don't have control over. It's going to happen. I was going to wait until Saturday to start my first day. Just like my ICU rotation though, it's better to get those things that cause anxiety out of the way early. That way, I'll be able to focus on other things. Plus I don't want to give up my first Saturday!!! I hope my preceptor is friendly. On the other hand, it wouldn't be bad if she was tough. I would learn a lot under pressure. 

Well, that's it for tonight. I'm going to wake up earlier to go to the gym :) 

Epiphany

Thanks to the lovely Jacque, I'm back on the blogging train. I didn't realize how much I've missed blogging until today, and I'm super excited to be doing this again. 

Earlier today I created a progress journal to keep track of my improvements as a person. I also decided to keep a personal journal to have a general record of how I feel, as this may also contribute to improving. THANK YOU, JACQUE for this amazing idea because I can record my thoughts here too :) <3 I can't wait to see her again tomorrow. It's been too long! I'm so excited.

Today was my first day of my last semester of nursing school. In class, I was told by the guy that I was dating (no we're not bf/gf) that he wanted to take a break from me and see how his life is without me. We'd talk again on Feb. 29, and if he feels that his life is better and happier without me, he would end it. Let's call this guy, X yeah? I knew this was coming. Last night at 2 am he told me he no longer was interested in talking to me and no longer wanted to date me. I was having an off day. I was anxious about this semester and missing him so so so much it was unbearable. I wanted attention and some caring words...even if it was negative attention. I was having another insecure day, and I was very vocal about it. I guess he got fed up. I didn't sleep at night AT ALL. I spent most of it crying and thinking to myself. I have never wanted to wish my dad was here so much before. 

The insecurities that X always talks about? I have never really had this bad of an insecurity problem before this relationship. He created these feelings in me by pressuring me to change, telling me that he was only dating me because I had potential, saying he would only consider being serious if I lost weight, etc. I think what he was looking for was me...but a better and more secure version of me. I put A LOT of effort here, especially for not even being his girlfriend. I did what a gf would do and more, but my efforts were misplaced. Because you see, there's no point in lifting and cooking for someone. Ultimately, in a relationship you need to find security within yourself not from another person. That was the big epiphany that I had last night. I depended on him for security by seeking his approval. 

So, being a nursing student I have created a plan to target my insecurities and slowly heal myself. I've tried this before, but the problem was that my goals were so unrealistic that it got overwhelming and after 2 weeks I stopped trying. This time, I've broken my goals up into smaller goals so that it'll be easier. Here's my plan of action. I want to target my insecurities before anything else. They cause me to feel jealousy & envy for friends instead of being truly happy for them. It has strained this relationship to no end. In general, I'm just so crazy sensitive about everything. So, here is my plan so far.

• Journal more.
• Read more.
• Gym more.
• Make it a habit to meditate everyday, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

I want to learn mindfulness. I want to be able to recognize negative emotions and accept them without acting on them. Mindfulness is about being present. No useless worrying about the past or future. You simply accept what has happened and what is to come. It's going to take a lot of effort, but I believe I'll get there one day. I read that one should not expect anything out of meditation, as that defeats the purpose of meditation. To be honest, I'm hoping to learn mindfulness by practicing mindful meditation as well as by journaling. We'll see how this works out. 

This is definitely going to be more of a lifestyle change than a temporary one. That's my end goal with this. Lifestyle changes always seem to be some of the best decisions :) The question is, after the break what will happen? Who knows? I am hoping I will have bettered myself significantly within that timeframe. As for the relationship, if he wants to end it than I have to accept it. If he wanted to continue, I'd still be open to giving it a try. This time though, I want to give it a try as a more secure person. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won't. We'll just have to see then. Until then, there's going to be oh-so-much whining about X on this blog ;D

Best~ 
Alice <3