Earlier today I created a progress journal to keep track of my improvements as a person. I also decided to keep a personal journal to have a general record of how I feel, as this may also contribute to improving. THANK YOU, JACQUE for this amazing idea because I can record my thoughts here too :) <3 I can't wait to see her again tomorrow. It's been too long! I'm so excited.
Today was my first day of my last semester of nursing school. In class, I was told by the guy that I was dating (no we're not bf/gf) that he wanted to take a break from me and see how his life is without me. We'd talk again on Feb. 29, and if he feels that his life is better and happier without me, he would end it. Let's call this guy, X yeah? I knew this was coming. Last night at 2 am he told me he no longer was interested in talking to me and no longer wanted to date me. I was having an off day. I was anxious about this semester and missing him so so so much it was unbearable. I wanted attention and some caring words...even if it was negative attention. I was having another insecure day, and I was very vocal about it. I guess he got fed up. I didn't sleep at night AT ALL. I spent most of it crying and thinking to myself. I have never wanted to wish my dad was here so much before.
The insecurities that X always talks about? I have never really had this bad of an insecurity problem before this relationship. He created these feelings in me by pressuring me to change, telling me that he was only dating me because I had potential, saying he would only consider being serious if I lost weight, etc. I think what he was looking for was me...but a better and more secure version of me. I put A LOT of effort here, especially for not even being his girlfriend. I did what a gf would do and more, but my efforts were misplaced. Because you see, there's no point in lifting and cooking for someone. Ultimately, in a relationship you need to find security within yourself not from another person. That was the big epiphany that I had last night. I depended on him for security by seeking his approval.
So, being a nursing student I have created a plan to target my insecurities and slowly heal myself. I've tried this before, but the problem was that my goals were so unrealistic that it got overwhelming and after 2 weeks I stopped trying. This time, I've broken my goals up into smaller goals so that it'll be easier. Here's my plan of action. I want to target my insecurities before anything else. They cause me to feel jealousy & envy for friends instead of being truly happy for them. It has strained this relationship to no end. In general, I'm just so crazy sensitive about everything. So, here is my plan so far.
- Journal more.
- Read more.
- Gym more.
- Make it a habit to meditate everyday, even if it's just for 5 minutes.
I want to learn mindfulness. I want to be able to recognize negative emotions and accept them without acting on them. Mindfulness is about being present. No useless worrying about the past or future. You simply accept what has happened and what is to come. It's going to take a lot of effort, but I believe I'll get there one day. I read that one should not expect anything out of meditation, as that defeats the purpose of meditation. To be honest, I'm hoping to learn mindfulness by practicing mindful meditation as well as by journaling. We'll see how this works out.
This is definitely going to be more of a lifestyle change than a temporary one. That's my end goal with this. Lifestyle changes always seem to be some of the best decisions :) The question is, after the break what will happen? Who knows? I am hoping I will have bettered myself significantly within that timeframe. As for the relationship, if he wants to end it than I have to accept it. If he wanted to continue, I'd still be open to giving it a try. This time though, I want to give it a try as a more secure person. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won't. We'll just have to see then. Until then, there's going to be oh-so-much whining about X on this blog ;D
Alice <3
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