Some people need to grow the fuck up. It takes a lot to get me to this level of angry, and she did it. She didn't disappoint to create drama once again while she's here. Seriously? Someone makes a joke, she goes flying off the handle, and basically throws a tantrum. I end up doing nothing but wait for an hour in the evening when I had initially wanted to stay in because I have my first clinical tomorrow. Once again, she starts acting like a teenager and starts making everything about her. Once again, my friends start coddling her & giving her pity (none of which helps her at all, just makes her feel like it's okay to keep doing this)
And then I get asked to be understanding. If she wants me to be understanding, she'll make the effort to seek for it. But until then, no. I have been extremely understanding, and I no longer wish to coddle her. She needs to grow up and nobody is helping her. Her family and friends coddle her, and when somebody tries to give her a reality check she fucking gets childish, immature, and overreacts.
I don't need this negativity in my life.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
The Plateau
Since the last time I've blogged, things have been alright. My meditation sessions are a lot more smooth. Less dozing off and more meditating. 20 minutes seems a lot shorter now than when I first started. Everything else is kind of meh. I'm pretty sure I'm being productive, but I feel kind of flat. It's nothing like the optimism and positivity that I was experiencing from the beginning of my break. It's not necessarily negative either. I'm just...neutral?
I've reached a plateau on all my upper body workouts, but I'm not sure if it's really a plateau or if I'm just thinking it is. I've gotten my pushup number to 10 and my diamond pushups to 6, which is a significant improvement from last week. I guess I'm just not feeling the lifting this week haha. It's okay. All that matters is that I tried, and I did it.
If there's an important thing I learned from lifting, it's that most things are all in our minds. Lifting is almost a mindset. Sometimes you feel like you can't lift something, but you don't really know that until you try. That's why you see a lot of people with that pre-lifting ritual (?) where they kind of jump back and forth and take deep breaths. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. I always think things like, "Can I lift this? Is this too heavy? No, I can do it. It's time I move up..." before I lift. I'm sure others are going through something similar. Also, don't give up too easily, some things in life just come by slower than others. Hard work will be worth it in the end. I've been lifting for almost half a year, and I still don't look like a personal trainer!! HAHA It'll take time. My visible improvements are small, but they are there.
I'm catching myself looking at my phone and facebook a lot these past two days. I guess the good start may have been a little deceiving. X messaged me on Tuesday asking to hangout on V-day, but I'm not sure if he means to put a temporary hold on the break or just meet like friends...Messaging and texting is so vague x_x Anyways, ever since then I keep looking at my phone knowing full well that he isn't going to send me anything else. At least it's not as bad as it used to be. That same anxiety of, "Is he going to look at my message now? Is he going to text me back?" and all those other almost-obsessive thoughts aren't really there. I think now it's just a habit to check for his messages. I do find myself missing him at night though. Like I mentioned with the message-anxiety, it's nothing like how it used to be. Before, it was like an unbearable burning feeling. Now, it's more like, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in awhile. I wonder how he's doing, and if he's okay."
They may seem like no big deal, but to me these are great improvements. I only hope that I continue to move forward from now and don't ever revert back. I like where I'm heading even though I've been feeling quite "meh" lately.
I've reached a plateau on all my upper body workouts, but I'm not sure if it's really a plateau or if I'm just thinking it is. I've gotten my pushup number to 10 and my diamond pushups to 6, which is a significant improvement from last week. I guess I'm just not feeling the lifting this week haha. It's okay. All that matters is that I tried, and I did it.
If there's an important thing I learned from lifting, it's that most things are all in our minds. Lifting is almost a mindset. Sometimes you feel like you can't lift something, but you don't really know that until you try. That's why you see a lot of people with that pre-lifting ritual (?) where they kind of jump back and forth and take deep breaths. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. I always think things like, "Can I lift this? Is this too heavy? No, I can do it. It's time I move up..." before I lift. I'm sure others are going through something similar. Also, don't give up too easily, some things in life just come by slower than others. Hard work will be worth it in the end. I've been lifting for almost half a year, and I still don't look like a personal trainer!! HAHA It'll take time. My visible improvements are small, but they are there.
I'm catching myself looking at my phone and facebook a lot these past two days. I guess the good start may have been a little deceiving. X messaged me on Tuesday asking to hangout on V-day, but I'm not sure if he means to put a temporary hold on the break or just meet like friends...Messaging and texting is so vague x_x Anyways, ever since then I keep looking at my phone knowing full well that he isn't going to send me anything else. At least it's not as bad as it used to be. That same anxiety of, "Is he going to look at my message now? Is he going to text me back?" and all those other almost-obsessive thoughts aren't really there. I think now it's just a habit to check for his messages. I do find myself missing him at night though. Like I mentioned with the message-anxiety, it's nothing like how it used to be. Before, it was like an unbearable burning feeling. Now, it's more like, "Oh, I haven't talked to him in awhile. I wonder how he's doing, and if he's okay."
They may seem like no big deal, but to me these are great improvements. I only hope that I continue to move forward from now and don't ever revert back. I like where I'm heading even though I've been feeling quite "meh" lately.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
First speed bump
Today I'm really feeling that empty feeling where X was. I think a large part of it has to do with me being so unproductive. It's my first speed bump in this journey. I need to spend more time alone and with myself at times like this, but I have noticed that in the last few days I have not been allowing myself this. I have been keeping Netflix on just for the sake of noise. If not netflix, then some sort of music. But I need to be silent and alone with my thoughts to be truly with myself. I really should go on facebook less frequently. It's not healthy to be constantly talking to my friends over facebook messenger. Ultimately, I continue to spend time with others even if it is not physically. I think it's when I find myself constantly with occupying my mind so as to have this "alone time" that I start searching for X. Opening up previous fb messages, going on instagram & wondering if there's a new post, looking through old texts. I go as far as going back on my tumblr (which i rarely use now) to see what kinds of things he is writing and how he is doing.
Well, there's still time before this day ends. I'm going to go to the gym now. It's leg day! Gotta get that butt.
Well, there's still time before this day ends. I'm going to go to the gym now. It's leg day! Gotta get that butt.
Overwhelmed?
I FINALLY had my preceptorship lecture. I was worried at first, but I think I've got a lot sorted out now. It doesn't seem to bad. I'm quite grateful that I chose the advanced med/surg lecture instead of advanced critical care. Most of my friends are in the critical care lecture, and they looked miserable coming out of lecture. I'm starting my first clinical Saturday and am quite excited to see my preceptor! I'm really looking forward to working with her.
I had a talk with my mom about my sister. She's really worried about her outcome. I'm going to have a talk with her soon. I don't think it's right to tell a teen what to do. Mostly since they won't do it. I think it's best to have her identify her own problems and develop her own plan on how to develop them. Teaching her that kind of problem solving method will be more beneficial to her than telling her what to do. It'll be something she may be able to use after school. Things like how to study really aren't that important in the long run. Things like how to focus, time management, prioritization, problem solving techniques, etc seem more important to me.
I had a talk with my mom about my sister. She's really worried about her outcome. I'm going to have a talk with her soon. I don't think it's right to tell a teen what to do. Mostly since they won't do it. I think it's best to have her identify her own problems and develop her own plan on how to develop them. Teaching her that kind of problem solving method will be more beneficial to her than telling her what to do. It'll be something she may be able to use after school. Things like how to study really aren't that important in the long run. Things like how to focus, time management, prioritization, problem solving techniques, etc seem more important to me.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Heart2heart
The last two days have been so much fun. I had a really good weekend. I'm surprised and proud of myself for being able to handle this break right now. We'll see where this goes. I still have really good feelings about these lifestyle changes.
Yesterday, I hung out with Jacque! :) It was so much fun~ I missed her so much. I can't wait for the next hangout. Hehe. Afterwards, I got an unexpected call from my friend calling me out to help them finish their large soju. Huzzah for free alcohol.
Today was pretty slow, but ended very well. I spent the whole day in bed watching Revenge (LOL) and going in and out of sleep. I finally got out to go to the gym, except it was like 3:30 pm. I'm a little disappointed I had such an idle day. I love being productive, but I don't want to beat myself up about having been idle like I normally do. There aren't going to be many chances for me to relax before my preceptorship starts. Today wasn't a total loss though! I got back and hung out with a friend, and we had a good heart to heart. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who is able to understand what it's like to be sensitive and such.
I've got lecture from 1 pm - 6 pm tomorrow. UGH. I hate these long lecture days they schedule us for. I think I'm going to have my first day with my preceptor on Tuesday. I am not prepared. I'm a little nervous too. It's been a year since I've done med/surg, but I'm sure it'll be okay. I don't want to worry about things in the future that I don't have control over. It's going to happen. I was going to wait until Saturday to start my first day. Just like my ICU rotation though, it's better to get those things that cause anxiety out of the way early. That way, I'll be able to focus on other things. Plus I don't want to give up my first Saturday!!! I hope my preceptor is friendly. On the other hand, it wouldn't be bad if she was tough. I would learn a lot under pressure.
Well, that's it for tonight. I'm going to wake up earlier to go to the gym :)
Yesterday, I hung out with Jacque! :) It was so much fun~ I missed her so much. I can't wait for the next hangout. Hehe. Afterwards, I got an unexpected call from my friend calling me out to help them finish their large soju. Huzzah for free alcohol.
Today was pretty slow, but ended very well. I spent the whole day in bed watching Revenge (LOL) and going in and out of sleep. I finally got out to go to the gym, except it was like 3:30 pm. I'm a little disappointed I had such an idle day. I love being productive, but I don't want to beat myself up about having been idle like I normally do. There aren't going to be many chances for me to relax before my preceptorship starts. Today wasn't a total loss though! I got back and hung out with a friend, and we had a good heart to heart. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who is able to understand what it's like to be sensitive and such.
I've got lecture from 1 pm - 6 pm tomorrow. UGH. I hate these long lecture days they schedule us for. I think I'm going to have my first day with my preceptor on Tuesday. I am not prepared. I'm a little nervous too. It's been a year since I've done med/surg, but I'm sure it'll be okay. I don't want to worry about things in the future that I don't have control over. It's going to happen. I was going to wait until Saturday to start my first day. Just like my ICU rotation though, it's better to get those things that cause anxiety out of the way early. That way, I'll be able to focus on other things. Plus I don't want to give up my first Saturday!!! I hope my preceptor is friendly. On the other hand, it wouldn't be bad if she was tough. I would learn a lot under pressure.
Well, that's it for tonight. I'm going to wake up earlier to go to the gym :)
Friday, January 22, 2016
Epiphany
Thanks to the lovely Jacque, I'm back on the blogging train. I didn't realize how much I've missed blogging until today, and I'm super excited to be doing this again.
Earlier today I created a progress journal to keep track of my improvements as a person. I also decided to keep a personal journal to have a general record of how I feel, as this may also contribute to improving. THANK YOU, JACQUE for this amazing idea because I can record my thoughts here too :) <3 I can't wait to see her again tomorrow. It's been too long! I'm so excited.
Today was my first day of my last semester of nursing school. In class, I was told by the guy that I was dating (no we're not bf/gf) that he wanted to take a break from me and see how his life is without me. We'd talk again on Feb. 29, and if he feels that his life is better and happier without me, he would end it. Let's call this guy, X yeah? I knew this was coming. Last night at 2 am he told me he no longer was interested in talking to me and no longer wanted to date me. I was having an off day. I was anxious about this semester and missing him so so so much it was unbearable. I wanted attention and some caring words...even if it was negative attention. I was having another insecure day, and I was very vocal about it. I guess he got fed up. I didn't sleep at night AT ALL. I spent most of it crying and thinking to myself. I have never wanted to wish my dad was here so much before.
The insecurities that X always talks about? I have never really had this bad of an insecurity problem before this relationship. He created these feelings in me by pressuring me to change, telling me that he was only dating me because I had potential, saying he would only consider being serious if I lost weight, etc. I think what he was looking for was me...but a better and more secure version of me. I put A LOT of effort here, especially for not even being his girlfriend. I did what a gf would do and more, but my efforts were misplaced. Because you see, there's no point in lifting and cooking for someone. Ultimately, in a relationship you need to find security within yourself not from another person. That was the big epiphany that I had last night. I depended on him for security by seeking his approval.
So, being a nursing student I have created a plan to target my insecurities and slowly heal myself. I've tried this before, but the problem was that my goals were so unrealistic that it got overwhelming and after 2 weeks I stopped trying. This time, I've broken my goals up into smaller goals so that it'll be easier. Here's my plan of action. I want to target my insecurities before anything else. They cause me to feel jealousy & envy for friends instead of being truly happy for them. It has strained this relationship to no end. In general, I'm just so crazy sensitive about everything. So, here is my plan so far.
Best~
Alice <3
Earlier today I created a progress journal to keep track of my improvements as a person. I also decided to keep a personal journal to have a general record of how I feel, as this may also contribute to improving. THANK YOU, JACQUE for this amazing idea because I can record my thoughts here too :) <3 I can't wait to see her again tomorrow. It's been too long! I'm so excited.
Today was my first day of my last semester of nursing school. In class, I was told by the guy that I was dating (no we're not bf/gf) that he wanted to take a break from me and see how his life is without me. We'd talk again on Feb. 29, and if he feels that his life is better and happier without me, he would end it. Let's call this guy, X yeah? I knew this was coming. Last night at 2 am he told me he no longer was interested in talking to me and no longer wanted to date me. I was having an off day. I was anxious about this semester and missing him so so so much it was unbearable. I wanted attention and some caring words...even if it was negative attention. I was having another insecure day, and I was very vocal about it. I guess he got fed up. I didn't sleep at night AT ALL. I spent most of it crying and thinking to myself. I have never wanted to wish my dad was here so much before.
The insecurities that X always talks about? I have never really had this bad of an insecurity problem before this relationship. He created these feelings in me by pressuring me to change, telling me that he was only dating me because I had potential, saying he would only consider being serious if I lost weight, etc. I think what he was looking for was me...but a better and more secure version of me. I put A LOT of effort here, especially for not even being his girlfriend. I did what a gf would do and more, but my efforts were misplaced. Because you see, there's no point in lifting and cooking for someone. Ultimately, in a relationship you need to find security within yourself not from another person. That was the big epiphany that I had last night. I depended on him for security by seeking his approval.
So, being a nursing student I have created a plan to target my insecurities and slowly heal myself. I've tried this before, but the problem was that my goals were so unrealistic that it got overwhelming and after 2 weeks I stopped trying. This time, I've broken my goals up into smaller goals so that it'll be easier. Here's my plan of action. I want to target my insecurities before anything else. They cause me to feel jealousy & envy for friends instead of being truly happy for them. It has strained this relationship to no end. In general, I'm just so crazy sensitive about everything. So, here is my plan so far.
- Journal more.
- Read more.
- Gym more.
- Make it a habit to meditate everyday, even if it's just for 5 minutes.
I want to learn mindfulness. I want to be able to recognize negative emotions and accept them without acting on them. Mindfulness is about being present. No useless worrying about the past or future. You simply accept what has happened and what is to come. It's going to take a lot of effort, but I believe I'll get there one day. I read that one should not expect anything out of meditation, as that defeats the purpose of meditation. To be honest, I'm hoping to learn mindfulness by practicing mindful meditation as well as by journaling. We'll see how this works out.
This is definitely going to be more of a lifestyle change than a temporary one. That's my end goal with this. Lifestyle changes always seem to be some of the best decisions :) The question is, after the break what will happen? Who knows? I am hoping I will have bettered myself significantly within that timeframe. As for the relationship, if he wants to end it than I have to accept it. If he wanted to continue, I'd still be open to giving it a try. This time though, I want to give it a try as a more secure person. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won't. We'll just have to see then. Until then, there's going to be oh-so-much whining about X on this blog ;D
Alice <3
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