The best decision had always been to be alone. 

To learn to build back my sense of self-respect.

To learn to have faith in myself.

To learn to stop feeling disappointed in myself.

To heal myself.

To feel confident about myself.

To learn to forgive myself.

To learn to love life.

Potentially back to writing blog posts that nobody will ever read.

Here I am blogging in class because this class is so boring :( 

I feel like I've taken some steps backwards in the things that I've worked for. I need to re-focus myself and get back on track. I haven't been able to have a long mediation session in awhile. I've been too tired so my session have only been like 5-10 minutes long. I think tonight I'm going to have to try a longer session. 

This was supposed to be a fun weekend. Meeting with him last weekend was a mistake. It makes him not want to want to see me this weekend. He just wants to work on his own personal projects, and he said he wants more personal time. I'm so upset because this all sounds like the same exact excuse over and over again. It's totally possible to spend this time together, but he refuses to do so. I mean, my friend's bf from san francisco flew in just for this weekend. I'm not even looking for a grand gesture. All he had to do was show up because I had some plans already. 

Maybe this is just me whining about something really trivial, but I was really looking forward to tomorrow. I'm disappointed in him for not following through again. I'm disappointed in myself for thinking that he would follow through when looking back he does this all the time. I am really close to feeling like ending this because I deserve so much more. I deserve to be able to take a break once in awhile and have someone else spoil me a little bit. I really do.

He said we would hang out this saturday, but he ended up coming last weekend for lunar new years so he could hang out with his family. I had saturday planned out. I talked to him twice this week including today. Apparently, that was too much for him & he didn't have enough time to himself.

I wanted the guy to set a reservation to a restaurant. I want flowers and chocolates. I don't want to have to be the one always planning and always giving gifts.

This was important to me. Now I'm just here crying over a stupid day because I'm so disappointed in myself for thinking Saturday was going to happen.

I had a surprisingly good meditation session last night! This morning's just led to a nap though haha. I think one of the key things is to release expectations and don't hope for anything. Just take things as they come.

It's going to be Day 2 out of 15 of my preceptorship tomorrow. I'm taking on one patient by myself. It's nice that I get to be so independent. I do believe that I work a lot better without having someone breathe down my neck. The only thing that makes me nervous about my preceptorship is that I don't have any careplans for them. It's a lot less thinking about what's going on with the patient, and just a lot of doing. There's really no time to think about those things, which kind of sucks because it makes me quite nervous. I've been doing two patients though so hopefully it'll be smooth with one patient. 

It's always the anxiety of things that haven't really happened that really get to me. I really hope that after a long time of meditation, I can decrease this type of anxiety by focusing on the present. There's no reason to waste time and energy being anxious over something you can't control. Rationally, I understand that, but my body doesn't seem to get it. 

I tried out the 185 rep squat regimen. Holy cow. I'm not sure if I want to stick with this. It's death. I thought I was going to pass out at one point, and my legs were like jello by the end. I'll try it for maybe two weeks, and we'll see how I feel about it. I had to drop my weights SEVERELY...like I went from squatting 110 --> 70. My pride!! Haha. This might not give me the gains for a booty, but I think it'll still help overall. Squats are so good for not just legs and butt. I attribute my fat loss in the abdomen area to squatting. I barely did ab exercises the last six months, and I lost a good amount just from squatting. Full body seems to work out better for me. I just need extra time since I'm doing one exercise per muscle group. 

Steps backward

I'm here at a cafe with a friend studying, and I decided to take a little break and blog. I believe it's been a few days since I've blogged...or at least that's what it feels like. 

Meditation: My sessions haven't been going very well. They were going really well until Friday and Saturday. I think when I lost my cool with my friend and got angry I lost confidence in it. Saturday I barely got a chance to meditate because of clinical. I'm still meditating everyday, but it might just as well be sleeping :( 

Reading: I need to read more. I've been sleeping and watching TV too much on my free time again. Got to get back.

Gym: The exhaustion from clinical is leaking into the next day. I can't believe it takes me a full day to recover & it's preventing me from goign to the gym as regularly as I would like. How am I going to get anything done in the future? I need to make it a rule to go to the gym at least 4 times per week. I think that's fair. Last week I went twice, but I could've gone 6/7 days if I really tried. I think I'll make it a habit on days where my morning are free to go in the morning. Then eat a good breakfast, and then meditate. I'll start tomorrow. I'm thinking about changing my routine to full body instead of doing upper & lower. This way, I can work out three times a week and not feel so bad. 

I feel like I'm missing X a lot more, and I keep thinking about him. Something that's gotten quite bad today. I really need to focus on growing more. I think my focus shifted a bit. 

I need to change my schedule so that I'll sleep earlier and wake up earlier. This will make my clinical easier. I also need to work on not taking naps. It's really disrupting my schedule. 

It feels like I took a couple steps backwards, but I just need to refocus and reorient myself. I'll just think of it as a reset. 

Pure rage

Some people need to grow the fuck up. It takes a lot to get me to this level of angry, and she did it. She didn't disappoint to create drama once again while she's here. Seriously? Someone makes a joke, she goes flying off the handle, and basically throws a tantrum. I end up doing nothing but wait for an hour in the evening when I had initially wanted to stay in because I have my first clinical tomorrow. Once again, she starts acting like a teenager and starts making everything about her. Once again, my friends start coddling her & giving her pity (none of which helps her at all, just makes her feel like it's okay to keep doing this) 

And then I get asked to be understanding. If she wants me to be understanding, she'll make the effort to seek for it. But until then, no. I have been extremely understanding, and I no longer wish to coddle her. She needs to grow up and nobody is helping her. Her family and friends coddle her, and when somebody tries to give her a reality check she fucking gets childish, immature, and overreacts. 

I don't need this negativity in my life.